Hash Songs - Longer

Longer Songs
Fornication

Fornication, I like fornication,
Fornication, I like to fornicate.
How I like it on my knees (How she likes it on her knees!) (each hasher adds a line)
On my knees (On her knees)
Fornicate! (Fornicate!)
Oh, oh, oh, oh...

Melody – Alouette

Actions: An unsuspecting female participant (often a virgin who is then scared away and never returns again) is needed for this song. When one is selected, she is asked to stand on a chair. When a feature is highlighted, all those singing then point out that part on the participant.

CHORUS:
Alouette, gentille Alouette,
Alouette je te plumerai.

Leader: Does she have ze stringy hair?
All: Oui, she has ze stringy hair.
Leader: Stringy hair,
All: Stringy hair,
Leader: Alouette! Aah, aah, aah, aah . . . (chorus)

Leader: Does she have ze furrowed brow?
All: Oui, she has ze furrowed brow,
Leader: Furrowed brow,
All: Furrowed brow,
Leader: Stringy hair,
All: Stringy hair,
Leader: Alouette! Aah, aah, aah, ahh . . . (chorus)

Wooden eye (Yes I would!) . . .
Broken nose . . .
Blow job lips . . .
Two buck teeth . . .
Double chin . . .
Swinging tits . . .
Beer belly . . .
Cum dumpster . . .
Furry thing . . .
Thunder Thighs . . .
Knobby Knees . . .
Cankle Fat . . .
Ingrown Toes . . .

Leader: Now isn’t she a nice-a girl?
All: Oui, she is a nice-a girl,
Leader: Nice-a girl,
All: Nice-a girl,
Leader: Alouette! Aah, aah, aah . . .

JESUS CAN’T GO HASHING

CHORUS:
Free beer for all the hashers;
Free beer for all the hashers;
Free beer for all the hashers;
Jesus Saves, Jesus Saves, Jesus Saves!

Optional Verses:
Jesus can’t go hashing ’cause he’s nailed upon the cross;
All the harriettes love Jesus ’cause he’s hung like this (spread out arms);
Jesus don’t need flour ’cause he lays the trail in blood;
Don’t give your beer to Jesus ’cause he’ll turn it into wine;
Jesus won’t come hashing because Judas pissed him off;
Jesus can’t go hashing ’cause he’s only got 12 friends.
Jesus can’t go hashing, he’s got shiggy on his head.
Jesus can’t go hashing ’cause his wood is just too big.
Jesus can’t go hashing ’cause his dad knows all the trails.
Jesus can’t go hashing ’cause his wife is such a whore.
Jesus we're only kidding...

Days of the Week
(Tuesday changes each verse, and the entire thing changes on Sunday.)
 
Leader: Today is Monday! 
All: Today is Monday! 
Leader: Monday is a wanking day! (wanking motion) 
All: Monday is a wanking day! (wanking motion)
 
CHORUS: Leader: Are we having a good time? 
All: You bet your ass we are! 
All: (raise cups over heads and make one complete turn while humming) Da da dut da da, da da dut da da
 
Leader: Today is Tuesday! 
All: Today is Tuesday! 
Leader: Tuesday is a finger day! (fingering motion) 
All: Tuesday is a finger day! (fingering motion)
 Leader: Monday is a wanking day! (wanking motion) 
All: Monday is a wanking day! (wanking motion)
Chorus
 
Leader: Today is Wednesday! 
All: Today is Wednesday! 
Leader: Wednesday is a hmmmmmm day! (stick tongue between 2nd & 3rd fingers)
All: Wednesday is a hmmmmmm day! (stick tongue between 2nd & 3rd fingers)
Leader: Tuesday is a hand day! (fingering motion) 
All: Tuesday is a hand day! (fingering motion)
 Leader: Monday is a wanking day! (wanking motion) 
All: Monday is a wanking day! (wanking motion)
Chorus
 
Leader: Today is Thursday!
All: Today is Thursday!
Leader: Thursday is a drinking day! (raise glass in salute)
All: Thursday is a drinking day! (raise glass in salute)
Leader: Wednesday is a hmmmmmm day! (stick tongue between 2nd & 3rd fingers)
All: Wednesday is a hmmmmmm day! (stick tongue between 2nd & 3rd fingers)
Leader: Tuesday is a fist day! (fingering motion) 
All: Tuesday is a fist day! (fingering motion)
 Leader: Monday is a wanking day! (wanking motion) 
All: Monday is a wanking day! (wanking motion)
Chorus
 
Leader: Today is Friday!
All: Today is Friday!
Leader: Friday is a fucking day! (humping motions, cheering, happiness) 
All: Friday is a fucking day! (humping motions, cheering, happiness) 
Leader: Thursday is a drinking day! (raise glass in salute)
All: Thursday is a drinking day! (raise glass in salute)
Leader: Wednesday is a hmmmmmm day! (stick tongue between 2nd & 3rd fingers)
All: Wednesday is a hmmmmmm day! (stick tongue between 2nd & 3rd fingers)
Leader: Tuesday is a foot day! (fingering motion) 
All: Tuesday is a foot day! (fingering motion)
 Leader: Monday is a wanking day! (wanking motion) 
All: Monday is a wanking day! (wanking motion)
Chorus
 
Leader: Today is Saturday!
All: Today is Saturday!
Leader: Saturday is a hashing day! (running motions, cheering, happiness)
All: Saturday is a hashing day! (running motions, cheering, happiness)
Leader: Friday is a fucking day! (humping motions, cheering, happiness) 
All: Friday is a fucking day! (humping motions, cheering, happiness) 
Leader: Thursday is a drinking day! (raise glass in salute)
All: Thursday is a drinking day! (raise glass in salute)
Leader: Wednesday is a hmmmmmm day! (stick tongue between 2nd & 3rd fingers)
All: Wednesday is a hmmmmmm day! (stick tongue between 2nd & 3rd fingers)
Leader: Tuesday is a leg day! (fingering motion) 
All: Tuesday is a leg day! (fingering motion)
 Leader: Monday is a wanking day! (wanking motion) 
All: Monday is a wanking day! (wanking motion)
Chorus
 
Leader: Today is Sunday!
All: Today is Sunday!
Leader: Sunday is a day of rest.
All: Sunday is a day of rest.
Leader: Because... Saturday is a hashing day! 
All: Saturday is a hashing day! 
Leader: Friday is a hashing day! 
All: Friday is a fucking day! 
Leader: Thursday is a hashing day! 
All: Thursday is a hashing day! 
Leader: Wednesday is MY FAVORITE DAY!
All: Wednesday is MY FAVORITE DAY!
Leader: Tuesday is a hashing day! 
All: Tuesday is a hashing day!
 Leader: And Monday's still a wanking day! 
All: Monday's still a wanking day! 
 
Leader: DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME?
All: YOU BET YOUR ASS WE DID!
All: (raise cups over heads and make one complete turn while humming) Da da dut da da, da da dut da da

The Moose Song
When I was a young lad I used to like girls,
I'd play with their titties and fondled their curls,
'Till my lady ran off with a lowlife named Bruce,
Now I've never been treated that way by a moose.

Chorus:
 Moose, moose, I love a moose,
I've never had anything quite like a moose,
My life's been exciting, 
My women've been loose,
But nothing compares to the love of a moose.
 
 
Now when I'm in need for a very good lay,
I go to the closet and pull out some hay,
I open the window and spread it around,
'Cause moose always come when there's hay on the ground.
 
Well gorillas are fine for a Saturday night,
And lions and tigers, they put up a fight,
But it just ain't the same when you slams your caboose
As the feeling you gets when you hump with a moose.
 
Now I've made it with all kinds of beasties with hair,
I'd do it with snakes if their fangs were not there,
I've made it with walrus, two ducks and a goose,
But I've never had anything quite like a moose.
 
Now that I'm old and spent all my years,
I'll have you to know that I shed no tears,
While I lay by the fire with a glass of Mateus,
Playing hide the salami with Melva the Moose.

Hash Virgin Serenade(To: Ball of Kerrymuir)
Four and twenty virgins,
Came out to this old hash,
And when the hash was over,
There were four and twenty less.

Chorus
Singing, balls to your partner,
Arse against the wall
.If ye canna get laid at this old hash,
Ye'll never get laid at all.
 
This fine young virgin she was there,
She had drank a bit too much,
Showing us her titties,
But sayin' we couldna touch.
 
This cocky virgin he was there,
Drinking Old Milwaukee's Best,
Showing the girls his tiny dick,
The girls they weren't impressed.
 
This other virgin she was there,
Talkin' 'bout givin' head,
But when it came to swallowin',
She would spit instead.
 
This other virgin he was there,
Askin' 'bout toe sucks,
The harriettes frowned and then they said,
"What do you want for three bucks?"
 
The other virgin SHE was there,
Givin' us all a great view,
While dancing on the table,
She said she'd do the crew.
 
This other virgin HE was there,
Getting drunk as he could be
,And by the time the circle broke up
,He'd pissed a gallon of pee.
 
This fine young virgin she was there,
With legs all firm and tan,
Her shorts rode up her ass so tight,
They squeaked whenever she ran.
Wild West Show(This is best done by forming a circle andhaving hashers taking turns being theAnnouncer.)
 Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen! In this cage we have theU-rang-u-tang.
Pack: The U-rang-u-tang. Fantastic!  Incredible! No shit! Tell us about it motherfucker!
 The U-rang-u-tang is an animal that lives in thejungles of North Borneo and it has balls that aremade of brass, so that when it goes swinging fromtree to tree, it's balls go u-tang, u-tang,u-tang, u-tang.
 Chorus
Ohhhh, we're off to see the Wild West Show-o-oo,
The elephants and kang-a-roo-ooos,
No matter what the weather,
As long as we're together,
We're off to see the Wild West Show-o-oo!
 
The next hasher becomes the announcer as above, substituting the name of the next attraction inplace of the U-rang-u-tang.
 2 The Wild Man of Borneo lives in the mountainsand once a year he comes down to eat. Once everytwo years he comes down to shit and once everythree years he comes down for sex.
 Member of Pack: No wonder they call him thefucking wild manof Borneo!
 3 The Ooaah bird is a bird that lives in therocky desert of North Africa. It has balls thislong and legs this short so that each time itcomes in for a landing it goes, "Oo-aah, Oo-aah,Oo-aah!"
 4 The Asstrich lives in the deserts of Africa andwhenever it sees its enemies, it buries its headin the sand and offers its ass.
 5 The Porcupine is the only animal in the worldthat has a thousand and one pricks.
 6 The Elephant has a ginormous appetite. In oneday it easts two tons of sugar cane, one dozenbundles of bananas and twenty buckets or rice.Miss, don't stand too near the elephant'sbackside. Miss! Miss! Too late! Harry, dig herout.
 7 The Winky Wanky bird, by some strange fate ofnature, has the nervous system of its sexualorgans connected to that of its eyelids, soeverytime it wanks it winks. Hey lady! Stopthrowing sand into that bird's eyes.
 8 The Fuckawee tribe is found in the grasslandsof Africa. They are this short and the grass isthis tall, so that everytime they get lost, theywill shout, "Where the fuck-ah-wee, where thefuck-ah-wee?"
 9 The Gee-raffe is the only animal in the worldthat can walk into a bar and say, "The high-ballsare on me!"
 10 The Le-o-pard is the only animal in the worldthat has one spot for each day of the year.
 Member of Pack: What about leapyear?Announcer: Stupid, you just lift up its tail.
 11 The Rhinosauras is reputed to be the richestanimal in the world. It's name is derived fromthe Latin- rhino, meaning money; and sore-ass,meaning piles... hence piles of money.
 12 The Baiyee is like a long playing record.First you play it on this side (points tocrotch of opposite member of sex), then youflip it over (turns demonstrator around) and playthe other side (points to the demonstrator's ass).
 13 The Brr-Brr bird is a distant relative of theOohaah bird and lives in the Antartic. When itlands, it drags its balls and says, "Brr, brr!"
 14 The Sabertooth Tiger is a thousand pound pussythat can eat you!
 15 The Khetat-Khetat bird is also a distantrelative of the Oohaah bird. It has one ball madeof brass and the other made of lead, so that whenit lands, its balls make the sound, "Khe-tat,Khe-tat, Khe-tat, Khe-tat!"
 16 The Tattooed Lady has "FIRE" tattooed on onethigh and "BRIMSTONE" on the other and every oncein a while she makes some poor soul go down tohell.
 17 The Gazelle farts as it leaps from place toplace and scientists are still trying to discoverwhether it farts because it leaps or leaps becauseit farts.
 18 (In this tank...) The Oct-i-pussy cansuck you all over.
 19 The Homosexual Sparrow will fly backwards fora lark.
 20 The Tom Cat is the only pussy with a dick.
 21 The Little White Rabbit keeps jumping fromhole to hole to hole.
 22 The Hare follows the little white rabbit andplugs his hole.
 23 The Hash Hound follows the hare and the littlewhite rabbit and and tags them both.
 24 The Go-rilla a big monkey who can fuckanything it wants.
 Member of Pack: Hey, mister, I thought Go-rillaswere apes?Announcer: Step inside here, Sonny, and see if hecan make a monkey out of you.

Follow the Hare
Chorus:
Drink a little bit,
Fuck a little bit, 
Follow the hare, 
Follow the hare with your ass in the air!
Drink a little bit,
Fuck a little bit, 
Follow the hare, 
Follow the hare all the way!
 
My girlfriend's a hasher, a hasher, a hasher,
A mighty fine hasher is she,(pack echoes, "Is she!")
All day long she lays trail,She lays trail, she lays trail,
And when she comes home she lays me.
 
(Substitute the following combinations for more verses.)
 Harriers' Verses:
Glassblower/she blows glass/blows me.
Mail clerk/licks stamps/licks me.
Waitress/makes tips/tips me.
Singer/hums tunes/hums me.
Nurse/takes temps/takes me.
Prostitute/fucks you/goes to sleep.
Gymnist/strides poles/strides mine.
Typist/pecks keys/pecks me
Baker/kneads bread/needs me.
Dancer/does steps/does me.
Asthmatic/sucks air/sucks me.
 Harriettes' Verses:
Cowboy/rides broncs/rides me.
Mechanic/screws bolts/screws me.
Soldier/shoots guns/shoots cum.
Guitarist/plays licks/licks me.
Hasher/runs trail/snores.
Tailor/sews thread/sews me.
Pimp/beats whores/beats me.
Carpenter/bangs nails/bangs me.
Truck driver/grinds gears/grinds me.
Postman/stuffs letter boxes/stuffs me.
Student/fucks off/fucks me.
Plumber/lays pipe/lays me.
Postman/licks stamps/licks me.
Chef/eats this, he eats that/eats me.
Bricklayer/lays brick/lays me.
Lawyer/fucks you/fucks me.
Dentist/drills you/drills me .
Taxidermist/stuffs dead things/stuffs me.
Psychoanalyst/analyzes patients/anal-izes me.
Stool Pigeon/fingers crooks/fingers me.

The Engineer Song
An engineer told me before he died, Ah-hum,Ah-hum,
An engineer told me before he died,Ah-hum, ah-hum.
An engineer told me before he died,I have no reason to believe he lied,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.
 He had a wife with a cunt so wide,Ah-hum, Ah-hum,
He had a wife with a cunt so wide,Ah-hum, ah-hum.
He had a wife with a cunt so wide,That she could never be satisfied,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.
 So he built a bloody great wheel, ...Two balls of brass and a prick of steel, ...
 The balls of brass he filled with cream, ...And the whole fucking issue was driven by steam, ...
 He tied her to the leg of the b...Tied her hands above her head, ...
 There she lay demanding a fuck, ...He shook her hand and wished her luck, ...
 'Round and 'round went the bloody great wheel, ...In and out went the prick of steel, ...
 Up and up went the level of steam, ...Down and down went the level of cream, ...
 'Till at last the maiden cri...Enough, enough, I'm satisfi...
 Now we come to the tragic bit, ...There was no way of stopping it, ...
 She was split from ass to tit, ...And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit, ...
 It jumped off her, it jumped on him, ...And then it buggered their next of kin, ...
 It jumped on an uptown bus, ...And the mess it made caused quite a fuss, ...
 The last time, Sir, that prick was seen, ...It was over in England fucking the Queen, ...
 There is a moral to the story I tell, ...If you see it coming better run like hell, ...
 Nine months later a child was born, ...With two brass balls and a bloody great horn, ...

Irian Jaya
(To: Mull of Kintyre)
 Far have I traveled and much have I seen,
Had blow jobs from Bancis and fucked thingsobscene,
Been crippled by herpes and things far more dire
,But if you want a blow job go to Irian Jaya.
 Chorus
Irian Jaya,To be gobbled by natives is what I desire,
They practice on blowpipes in Irian Jaya.
 
Been rogered in Rio and poked in Peru
Been massaged in Manila and then had a screw,
Been fucked in Llanelli by a Welsh male boys'choir,
But for the height of perversion go to Irian Jaya.
 
Met a girl in the jungle with a bone through hernose,
Cunt like a mantrap and strong I suppose,
Bush like a yardbroom that's made out of wire,
So be careful of pussy in Irian Jaya.
 
Oh the skirt she was wearing was made out ofgrass,
It only just covered her sweet little ass,
I felt an erection getting higher and higher
,As I followed that lady from Irian Jaya.
 
She put down her basket, took hold of my tool,
Pulled back the foreskin and started to drool,
Curled her lips round it, and sir I'm no liar,
They still have headhunters in Irian Jaya.

At The Gangbang
The Gangbang, oh yes I will
Because a gangbang gives me such a thrill.
When I was younger and in my prime,
I used to gangbang all the time.
But now I'm older and turning grey,
I only gangbang twice a day.
 
Knock knock. Who's there? Sheila. Sheila who?
She loves to be at…
 
Knock knock. Who's there? Eisenhower. Eisenhower who?
I's an hour late for the ...
 
Knock knock. Who's there? Washington. Washington who?
Washing a ton of sheets after the ...
 
Knock knock. Who's there? Claira. Claira who?
Claira place off the table for the ...
 
Knock knock. Who's there? Nixon. Nixon who?
Nex' in line for the ...
 
Knock knock. Who's there? Herb. Herb who?
Her brother loves to ...
 
Knock knock. Who's there? Erma. Erma who?
Her mother loves to ...
 
Knock knock. Who's there? Mona. Mona who?
Moan a little louder and we'll all join the ...
 
Knock knock. Who's there? Uripities. Uripities who?
Uripities pants off for the ...
 
Knock knock. Who's there?  Betty. Betty who?
Betty didn't know it was his girl on the 
bottom of the pile at the ...
 
Knock knock. Who's there? Ida. Ida who
Ida love a ...
 
Knock knock. Who's there? Charlie Pride. Charlie Pride who?
Charlie Pride her pants off at the ...
 
Knock knock. Who's there? Wilma. Wilma who?
Wilma finger keep me satisfied 'till the next ...

My God How the Money Rolls In!
 My father makes book on the corner
My mother makes illicit gin
My sister sells kisses to sailors
My God how the money rolls in
Chorus:
 Rolls in, rolls in,
My God how the money rolls in, rolls in
Rolls in, rolls in,
My God how the money rolls in.
 
My mother’s a bawdyhouse keeper
Every night when the evening grows dim
She hangs out a little red lantern
My God how the money rolls in.
 
My cousin’s a Harley Street surgeon
With instruments long, short and thin
He only does one operation
My God how the money rolls in.
 
My sister’s a barmaid in Sydney,
For a shilling she’ll strip to the skin.
She’s stripping from morning to midnight,
My God how the money rolls in.
 
My brother-in-law is a Hasher,
Who wanders around the hash bar,
He’s picking up business for sister,
My God how the money rolls in.
 
My brother’s a poor missionary,
He saves fallen women from sin.
He’ll save you a blonde for a guinea,
My God how the money rolls in.
 
My sister-in-law is a Hasher,
She lays trails year out and year in,
But when she lays hounds in the bushes,
My God how the money rolls in.
 
My Grandad sells cheap prophylactics,
And punctures the teats with a pin.
For Grandma gets rich from abortions,
My God how the money rolls in.
 
Uncle Joe is a registered plumber,
His business in holes and in tin.
He’ll plug up your hole for a tanner,
My God how the money rolls in.
 
Aunt Mary makes deals with the milkman,
The mailman and newsboy named Ben.
For a piece of pie and Aunt Mary,
My God how the money rolls in.
 
Uncle Tommy was once in a prison,
Where he was a joy to the men,
Now he bends over for business,
My God how the money rolls in.
 
Aunt Joan keeps a girl’s seminary,
Teaching young girls to begin.
She doesn’t say where they will finish,
My God how the money rolls in.
 
Uncle Harry is carving out candles,
From wax that is surgically soft.
He hopes it’ll fill up the gap,
If ever his business is off.
 
I’ve lost all me cash on the horses,
I’m sick from the illicit gin.
I’m falling in love with me sister,
My God what a mess I am in.
 
My aunt keeps a girl’s seminary,
Teaching young girls to begin,
She doesn’t say where they will finish,
My God how the money rolls in.
 
I’ve shares in the very best companies,
In tramways, tobacco, and tin,
And brothels in Rio de Janeiro,
My God how the money rolls in.
 
My brother Jim whittles out candles,
From wax that is exceptionally soft,
He says it will come in real handy,
If ever his business falls off.
 
I’ve lost my way off of the hash trail,
I can’t find the beer at the end.
I’ve got to spot flour by nightfall,
My God will you please let this end!

The S&M Man
Who can take his bicycle,
Take away the seat,
Put his girlfriend on it,
Ride her down a bumpy street?
CHORUS:
 The S & M man, Oh, the S & M man,
The S & M man because he mixes it with love,
And makes the hurt feel good.
The hurt feel good.
 
Who can take a hammer,
Shove it up her twat,
Move it back and forth,
‘Til he finds her G-spot,
 
Who can take a hammer,
Wave it overhead,
And slam it on his pecker,
‘Til he wishes he were dead?
 
Who would use machinery,
To masturbate at work,
Rip off his left testis,
And pretend it didn’t hurt?
 
Who can take a glass rod,
Shove it up his prick,
Put it on the table,
And smash it with a brick?
 
Who can take a Catholic Priest,
Bend him over the pew,
Fuck him up the ass,
Till he screams that he’s a Jew?
 
Who can take a puppy,
Hold it by the ears,
Fuck it in the ass,
Until it sheds those puppy tears?

 
Who can take a Harriette,
Lay her on the bed,
Look between her thighs,
then masturbate instead.

Beastiality’s Best
Chorus:
 Beastiality’s best, boys, beastiality’s best…
(Echo) Fuck a wallaby!
Beastiality’s best, boys, beastiality’s best!
1Shove your log in a dog, boys,
Shove your log in a dog.
(Echo) Fuck a wallaby!
(You’ve gotta) shove your log in a dog, boys,
Shove your log in a dog…
(Songmaster:) All together now!
 
2 Up the rear of a deer…etc.
3 Intercourse with a horse…
4 Have a fuck with a duck…
5 Chuck your sperm in a worm…
6 Lick the twat of a cat…
7 Do an illegal with an eagle…
8 Up the hole of a mole…
9 Give some cock to a croc…
10 Shoot your load in a toad…


Chicago
Chorus:
 I used to work in Chicago,
The old department store,
I used to work in Chicago,
I don’t work there anymore.
Verses:
Songmaster: A woman came in for a computer,
Pack repeats: A computer from the store.
Songmaster: A computer she wanted, my Wang she got. I don’t work there anymore.
 
A lady came in for a beer…
Six pack she wanted, ate she got…

 
A lady came in for a seafood…
Lobster she wanted, crabs she got…
 
A lady came in for a floppy disk…
Floppy disk she wanted, my hard drive she got…

YOGI BEAR SONG
There is a bear in the deep dark woods,
Yogi, Yogi,
There is a bear in the deep dark woods,
Yogi, Yogi Bear.
Yogi, Yogi Bear!
Yogi, Yogi Bear!
There is a bear in the deep dark woods,
Yogi, Yogi Bear.

VERSES
Yogi has a little friend, 
Boo-Boo, Boo-Boo
Yogi has a little friend, 
Boo-Boo, Boo-Boo Bear
Boo-Boo, Boo-Boo Bear!
Boo-Boo, Boo-Boo Bear!
Yogi has a little friend, 
Boo-Boo, Boo-Boo Bear

Boo-Boo has a girlfriend, Cindy, Cindy.
Cindy has a girlfriend too, Klondike, Klondike
Cindy doesn’t shave her snatch, Grizzly, Grizzly
Cindy wears crotchless undies, Teddy, Teddy
Cindy likes it on the ice, Polar, Polar
Cindy likes it up the ass, brown bear, brown bear
Cindy boyfriend has no teeth, Gummi, Gummi
Cindy snatch it smells like cheese, Camembert
Boo-Boo likes it upside down, Koala, Koala (KOALA’S NOT A BEAR!)
Yogi has a twelve-inch cock, black bear, black bear
Boo Boo says he has one too, liar, liar
Boo-Boo's only three feet tall, Yogi's a lucky bear
SONG ENDER:

This song’s gone on way too long,
More than, more than,
This song’s gone on way too long,
More than I can bear.

More than I can bear,
More than I can bear,
This song’s gone on way too long,
More than I can bear.

Hash Songs - Korea Specific

Korea Specific

Litre of Maekgoli
Oh, a litre of maeokgoli helps the harriette go down, the harriette go down, the harriette go down.
Yes, a litre of maeokgoli helps the harriette go down, in the most delightful way.

Our Favourite Beers
Cass-uh and Hite-uh in bottles and cans,
Imported or brew pub, whatever ain’t banned.
OB if you're desperate,
But none for the queers.
These are a few of our favourite beers.

Wild Rover Song

CHORUS: O I’m a Rover seldom sober, I’m a Rover wild and free,
It’s when I’m drinkin, I’m always thinkin, I should be hashin where ere I please

Though the night be dark as dungeon, not a start shines up above,
I will be guided without stumble to a vessel of beer I love!
CHORUS
As I gazed up through the bar room, kneeling gently on the stone,
I see there waitin ‘pon the counter, a grand vessel of beer I love!
CHORUS
The barman blocked me, to his misfortune; I laid him cold across the floor,
I sauntered over to my vessel, drank of the beer I truly love!
CHORUS
Until at last, my beer was empty, and a tear rolled down my face…
With no beer waitin I must be roving, so ON-ON to another place!!!
CHORUS

Seoul Hash House Harriers’ Song (lyrics by former SHHH GM Kimchi Marine)

Way down south in Yeongdeungpo
That’s the place I want to go!
Shiba-shiba haba yes!
Suck a chaji, maybe so.
 
Further north than old Pusan
Get your ass for a thousand won.
Catch the clap and you never go
On on to To-ki-yo!
 
In the war-torn town of Toko-ri
Mama-sans they make whoppee.
They smell of garlic and they’re full of lice
But the pom-pom is very nice.
 
You pick up a girl on Korean street
You ask how much? She says you speak.
She takes you out, you’re wined and dined,
You end up by going blind.
 
Korean huts are low and flat.
You squirm and crawl like a Chesire cat.
The mama-sans are much too fat
So you blow your stones on a bamboo mat.
 
Now that’s the end of my tale of woe.
I’m off again to Yeongdeungpo!
Twenty-eight days I’ll get no less
But shiba-shiba haba YES!!

Korean Pie
Lyrics by Former SHHH GM Timber Balls

A long, long time ago I can still remember how that Itaewon could make me smile
and I knew if I had some cash, that I could land some handsome snatch
and surely I’d be happy for a while
but Bush and Rumsfield made me shiver
with every decree they delivered, bad news in formation,
There’d be no fornication
I cried outloud “O MY GOD”, when I heard that it was now outlawed
I used to touch her deep inside, before, the boom boom, died. So…

CHORUS:
Bye, bye Missus Kim don’t you cry,
No more boom-boom, no more drinky, no more sucky me dry.
them good ol’ boys walk by , a tear in their eye,
singin’ now I need to zip up my fly…. now I need to zip up my fly

Did you know that way back then
All the young GI’s were doused in sin,
And the MP’s didn’t know,
and do you believe that hooker hill,
was where you’d go to get a thrill
and Mrs. Kim would teach you how to dance real slow?
Well I know that you’re in love with quim
But the FOX news story was quite dim,
you and Juicy kicked off your shoes
then your butt was on the news.
You are a lonely teenage bronkin’ buck
with weekend pass and the need to fuck
but now your just shit out of luck,
the day, the boom boom died. I started singin…
CHORUS

Now for fifty years they were on their own
And Mama-san sat on her barstool throne,
And that’s how they wanted it to be,
And the girls were always hot and lean,
With a young GI sitting in between
and Mrs. Kim would lock the door …for a feee
But, the leaders back in Washingtin
Are clearly right and without sin,
Your weekend plans took a turn
When the verdict returned
And while GIs bored and run amuck
Go ahead and drink till you upchuck
As long as you don’t try to fuck
the day, the boom boom died. I started singin…
CHORUS

Helter Skelter in the summer swelter
The bar’s locked up like a fallout shelter,
0100 AM is comin faaaaaaaasssst,
The camera shows MP’s walking past,
If they come in my ass is grass
but Mrs Kim showed me how to get out real fast.
Well, the knocking came way too damn soon
My hard-on would be left in ruins,
I jumped out the window
I hope that MP’s slow.
I am a horny GI bronkin’ buck
But now it costs too damn much to fuck
I guess Im just shit out of luck,
the day, the boom boom died. I started singin…
CHORUS

And in there they were all sucking face
The MP’s probably don’t know this place,
I guess Ill have a go again,
So Jill was nimble , and jack came quick
But now he’s lookin at an MP stick
So I guess my hand will be my only friend…
So while Jack was being beaten down
The girl redressed in evening gown, she say
No more GI tonight
I guess Canadians are alright.
And while I sulk into the night
I know you won’t get none tonight
I guess my hand will be alright,
the day, the boom boom died. I started singin…
CHORUS

I met a girl who made me smile, and I paid her to stay there a while
But she just turned and closed the door
I tried them all and now im cursed, my balls are just about to burst
I want to bang my head into a wall
And in the bars I hear them banging
Girls are moaning bedposts clanging, but I will not be pokin’,
I feel like I am broken
the ménage a trios I had before, way back in 2004
I yearn for all those days of yore, the day, the boom boom, died. So…
CHORUS

Hash Songs - Harrier vs. Harriette

Harriers vs. Harriettes
Nipples, nipples, N-I-P-P-L-E-S;
Wiggly Jiggly, without you there'd be no breasts!
Lick them, flick them, play with them too,
That's where babies go to get food!
Oh nipples, nipples,You're what make the boobies fun!
 
Scrotum, Scrotum.S-C-R-O-T-U-M.
Mangy, grungy,S-C-R-O-T-U-M.
Scrotum, scrotum,Covered with hair.
What would we do if you weren't there?
Oh scrotum, scrotum,It's what we keep our gonads in!

Cock / Cunt
I LIKE COCK 
I like cock, I like cock, 
See how they rise, See how they rise,
They fit so nicely and feel so grand, 
They come in all sizes, all shapes and brands,
There's nothing finer than making them stand,
'Cause I like cock, I like cock.  

 I LIKE CUNT 
I like cunt, I like cunt, 
Ain't it cute, Ain't it cute?
 Up against railings I've often stood, 
Fucking young ladies and doing them good, 
It's so much better than pulling your pud, 
'Cause I like cunt, I like cunt. 

The Kitchen
MALES: 
Thank God she finally shut-up,
she's always fuck'n bitching.
So drink that BEER get out of here
and get back in the Kitchen! 
FEMALES: 
She likes it in the kitchen,
She likes it in the kitchen,
She likes it in the kitchen,
And kitchen is code for butt!


MASTURBATION SONG
WOMEN
Last night I laid in bed and masturbated,
It felt so good, I knew it would.
Last night I laid in bed and masturbated,
It felt so nice, I did it twice.
First, I gave it the short strokes,
Around and round, on my mound.
Then I gave it the long strokes,
Way in and out, way in and out.
One finger, two fingers, three fingers, four,
Vibrators, dildos, so happy but so sore,
Some people think that fornication's very very grand,
But for satisfaction, I'd rather use my hand!
MEN
Last night I stayed up late and masturbated,
It felt so good, I knew it would.
Last night I stayed up late to masturbate,
It felt so nice, I did it twice.
You should have seen me on the short strokes,
It felt so grand, I used my hand,
And you should have seen me on the long strokes,
It felt so neat, I used my feet.
Shake it, break it, beat it on the floor,
Smash it, bash it, thrust it through the door,
Some people seem to think that fornication's grand,
But for all-around enjoyment, I prefer to use my hand!

Whip It Out / Take Me Out
Whip It Out at the Ball Game - Boys
 Whip it out at the ball game 
Wave it round at the crowd 
Dip it in peanuts and cracker jacks 
We don't care if you give it a whack 
'Cause it's shoot your goo at the ball game 
If you don't come it's a shame 
Coz it's one, two, you've covered in goo 
At the old ball game.

Take Me Out For a Good Ball - Girls
 Take me out for a good ball,
Lay me down on the ground.
Give me your penis and three stiff whacks.
If you come first I won't ever come back.
It's shoot, shoot, shoot for the hole dear,
I can't believe you're so lame!
From the front, back, side I don't care,
You're a damn bad lay!

 Divorce Game - boys
Make me out as the bad guy,
Trash my name in the croud.
Tell them that I don't pay child support,
my breath is bad, and my dick is too short.
Cause it's all my fault for the whole thing,
the guy is always to blame...
Take my car, house and half of my pay,
at the Dee-vorse game!

Harrier Taunt

Oh we wish he wasn't hung like a mosquito,
Tiny's what he truly seems to be-e-e,
For if he wasn't hung like a mosquito,
He'd surely get a lot more play from me!!

Harriette Taunt

Oh they wish they were a hasher with a wiener,
That is what they'd truly like to be.
For if they were a hasher with a wiener,
They wouldn't have to stop and squat to pee.

Hash Songs - For Him

For Him
It’s A Small DIck
Well it isn't long and it isn't thick, 
It gets hard too slow and it cums too quick,
It gers lost in her twat,
But it's all that he's got,
It's a small, small, dick.
 It's a small dick after all,
It's a small dick after all,
Always limp from alcohol,
It's a small, small, dick!

Who Needs Sex?
Who needs sex? Who needs sex?
It’s no fun. It’s no fun.
He grunts and he gasps like he’s on a long run,
HE’s in for a minute then squirts on your bum,
HE falls asleep as soon as he’s done,
So who needs sex? Who needs sex?

Hash Songs - For Her

For Her
She’s All Right
She’s all right, she’s all right,
She’s little bit flat-chested, but she’s all right
Her Left Tit
Her left tit hangs down to her right tit
Her right tit hangs down to her knee
If her left tit did equal her right tit
She'd still get a down-down from me
Drink it down, down, down, down...

The Wiggle of Her Ass
Well, the wiggle of her ass would make a dead man cum,
And the nipples on her tits are as big as my thumb,
She's a mean motherfucker, she's a great cocksucker,
She's a harriette!
O, Harriette!
O, harriette, you're beautiful,
with freshly shaven pubes!
With nipples so erect and hard
on a pair of lucious boobs.
 
O, harriette, o harriette,
please spread your legs for me.
And crown my wood
with something good
before you have to peeeeeeee.

Hash Songs - For Either

For Either

Meet the Hashers
Hashers, meet the hashers
They're the biggest drunks in history
From the hash of Phuket
They're the leaders in debauchery
Half minds, trailing shiggy through the years
Watch them, as they down a lot of beer
Down-down, down-down down-down.

S/He's the Meanest
He's the meanest,
He sucks the horse's penis,
He's the meanest,
He's a horse's ass.
All he does is pound it,
Ever since he found it,
He's the meanest,
He's a horse's ass.
He's always pissing on us,
He's rotten and dishonest,
He's the meanest,
He's a horse's ass.

Why Was S/He Born So Beautiful?
Why was he born so beautiful,
Why was he born at all.
He's no fucking use to anyone,
He's no fucking use at all.
He might be a joy to his mother,
But he's a pain in the asshole to me!
Drink it down, down, down, down…

S/He Ought
He ought to be thoroughly pissed on,
He ought to be publicly shot,
He ought to be tied to a dunny
And left there to fester and rot.
Drink it down, down, down, down…

True Blue
Here's to ...., s/he's true blue,
He's a Hasher, through and through,
He's a Pisspot, so they say,
Tried to get to heaven but went the other way!
Drink it down down down down…
Heres to Brother/Sister Hasher(s)
Here's to brother hasher, Bother hasher, brother hasher
Here's to brother hasher, May he chug-a-lug.
He's happy, he's jolly,
He's fucked up by golly,
Here's to brother hasher,
May he chug-a-lug.

So drink motherfucker,
Drink motherfucker,
Drink motherfucker,
Drink motherfucker,
Here's to brother hasher,
May he chug-a-lug.

Soldier Song
Asshole, asshole, a soldier I will be
To piss, to piss, two pistols on my knee
For cunt, for cunt, for country and my queen
Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole, a soldier I will be
Drink it down, down, down, down...

Three Big Beers
Three big beers, Three big beers
See how they foam, see how they foam
You ran through shiggy all around trail
Then some hasher told evil tales
So now you must drink down your ale
It’s three big beers, three big beers
Down down down, down down down….

All Beers Bright and Beautiful
All beers bright and beautiful
All down-downs great and small
All ales pale with hops a-full
You’re going to drink them all
Each little bottle opened
Each bitter tasty zing
You will guzzle down the lot
And then we shan’t have to sing
Down-down-down-down-down-down-down….

Fuck a Duck
Fuck a duck, a female duck,
Screw a baby kangaroo.
Finger-bang an orangutan,
Let an elephant do you.
Fell the penis of an eel,
Whack the asshole of a yak.
Masturbate with a gnu,
And that will bring you back to,
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...

Mrs. Murphy
Take it by the hand Mrs Murphy,
It only weighs a quarter of a pound,
Its got hair around it’s neck like a turkey,
And it comes when you stroke it up and down,
Down, down, down...


U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi,
You’re ugly, you’re ugly,
Your father says you’re ugly!
D-A-D-D-Y, you don’t even know that guy,
Your daddy, your daddy,
Your daddy says you’re ugly!
U-N-C-L-E, he might be your real daddy,
Your uncle, your uncle,
Your uncle says you’re ugly!

Review: I Dream of Zenia with the Bright Red Teeth

I Dream of Zenia with the Bright Red Teeth by Margaret Atwood

My rating: 3 of 5 stars



This short story encapsulates why I feel that I just don't really get short stories. I liked it well enough but nothing really... happened. Granted, I had no idea until seconds ago that it's about the characters from The Robber Bride, which I haven't read yet. Perhaps it'll be more interesting to me once I've read that? Anyway, it was good and I found the bit with the dog bite rather amusing.



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Review: Zombie

Zombie by Joyce Carol Oates

My rating: 3 of 5 stars



I read this because it's short and I thought it would fit nicely into a Halloween-theme. And yeah, clearly I didn't recall any blurbs I might have read about it, because I expected an actual zombie, rather than the ramblings of a serial killer. So, horrifying, rather than spooky, but it was fine. It read a bit like YA except I suppose in the subject matter. It kept my attention and I thought she did a really good job with the narrator's voice. That said, this was rough to read because of just that.



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Review: One Lucky Vampire

One Lucky Vampire by Lynsay Sands

My rating: 2 of 5 stars



I wanted to like this more, but it sort of bored me. Though 2-stars isn't bad, in my mind, for some vamp porn, because I generally rate the good ones 3-stars. But yeah, somehow there was no sense of urgency in a series of attempted murders and even the romance felt like it was dialed in. Perhaps I've just read too many of these.



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Review: The Wayfinders

The Wayfinders by Wade Davis

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



With a few university evolutionary archaeology courses under my belt and an interest in cultures of the world that's led to a fair amount of anthropological reading, the first two chapters of this, while good, felt like a review of things I already knew. After that it got a bit more interesting as it covered ground I was unfamiliar or at least less familiar with. There were a few points that had me seeing things in a new way - like the suggestion that paleolithic cave art could be a nostalgia for the days before humans split off from animals into something new.



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Review: In the Company of Vampires

In the Company of Vampires by Katie MacAlister

My rating: 3 of 5 stars



That was a fun romp. I like the Viking ghosts.



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Review: A Tale of Two Vampires

A Tale of Two Vampires by Katie MacAlister

My rating: 3 of 5 stars



This one was a lot of fun.



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Review: Sweetness in the Belly

Sweetness in the Belly by Camilla Gibb

My rating: 5 of 5 stars



So, so good. The history, the relationships, everything was well written and fascinating. Also extremely moving. I learned so much about Ethiopia and it was an interesting insight into Islam as well.

The description of council flats was easy for me - I can picture all of that. That was part of my landscape when I lived in Edinburgh, which was also at the time having a immigrant/refuge issue (in that many Scots wanted the ability to finally be Scottish with their new parliament, but at the same time Scotland was getting an increasing number of refuges that had previously stayed more in England or at least in big cities and that was all changing.)

The friendship between Lilly and Amina made total sense to me. While being an expat isn't the same as being a refuge by far, the idea of a fast, tight friendship coming out of almost nowhere and happening really fast, based on only a few similarities, is totally my experience with expat friendships in a place where people cycle in and out in a year or two.

I thought the relationship between Lilly and Aziz made a lot of sense. It wasn't just that Aziz was her first lover, but also that she broke so many of her own religious rules to make the space in her life/mind for Aziz. To me that's the part that was really huge and to have lost him so immediately after, to have that possible guilt over having tainted him with her connection with Selassie, I can totally see why she held on to that love.

I liked learning about this particular brand of Islam with its saints. It was interesting to compare that with what I know of Christianity taking in local customs and meshing with them. I also loved the insight on how the various Muslim refuges all praying together was moving things away from traditions and cultures and to a more fundamentalist view.

I really liked Lilly as a character. I liked how distant and ghost-like she felt. I liked her interactions with those around her as she sought her place in a series of worlds that were never quite her own. I liked how she slowly grew to think of how she felt about her parents and the lifestyle she had with them - how Islam influenced her thoughts about them and how her opinions softened as she got older and realized how complex and difficult the world can be.

Also, I really hope that farenji is where the Star Trek Ferengi came from.



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Review: Sweetness in the Belly

Sweetness in the Belly by Camilla Gibb

My rating: 5 of 5 stars



So, so good. The history, the relationships, everything was well written and fascinating. Also extremely moving. I learned so much about Ethiopia and it was an interesting insight into Islam as well.



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Review: The Works of Edgar Allen Poe - Volume 5

The Works of Edgar Allen Poe - Volume 5 by Edgar Allan Poe

My rating: 0 of 5 stars



It appears I accidentally clicked on Volume 5 first, but how can I not love anything that starts with an essay about the philosophy of furniture and contains this line: "Yet I have heard fellows discourse of carpets with the visage of a sheep in reverie — “d’un mouton qui rêve” — who should not and who could not be entrusted with the management of their own moustachios."

Sure, between the furniture and the Romans besieging Jews it's not been at all what I expected, but so far it's wonderful.

What I ended up liking best about this volume was the anticipation of scary. Even if a given short story wasn't particularly spooky, I'd get all worked up expecting that it would be. At one point I was reading this in the Pyeongtaek train station and Wyatt scared the shit out of me when he arrived and touched my shoulder.

Unfortunately for me, then we hit the poetry bit. I liked The Raven but everything after was all downhill. The problem could be me: I'm not a poetry reader. I find that I can read it and find the rhythm and perhaps a line or a few together will make sense, but after that the poem tends to flow over me and make no sense overall. Since the last third of this volume was all poetry (or even worse, an essay about what makes real poetry), it ended up disappointing a fair bit.

That said, I do intend to try and read the first four volumes over the next four Octobers, so perhaps Poe will be redeemed for me at some point.

Also, that essay about furniture was pure win.



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Review: MaddAddam

MaddAddam by Margaret Atwood

My rating: 5 of 5 stars



So, so, so good.

I'm super sad that this trilogy is over, though this last book totally did wrap up everything incredibly well. I've loved Atwood's view of the future, especially the idea that it's all based on present day science. The Crakers become very interesting in this book, as are the discussions about them. I loved the relationship between Toby and Blackbeard. Zeb was also fascinating.

I love Atwood.



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Review: The Works of Edgar Allen Poe - Volume 5

The Works of Edgar Allen Poe - Volume 5 by Edgar Allan Poe

My rating: 0 of 5 stars



It appears I accidentally clicked on Volume 5 first, but how can I not love anything that starts with an essay about the philosophy of furniture and contains this line: "Yet I have heard fellows discourse of carpets with the visage of a sheep in reverie — “d’un mouton qui rêve” — who should not and who could not be entrusted with the management of their own moustachios."

Sure, between the furniture and the Romans besieging Jews it's not been at all what I expected, but so far it's wonderful.



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Review: The Iron Bridge

The Iron Bridge by Anton Piatigorsky

My rating: 0 of 5 stars



While I was back in Canada, I spent a lot of time in bookstores. Not just because I wanted to, though I did, but also because the Indigo in Yorkdale is my mom and my meeting place of choice. One day I came across this book and was intrigued, but I didn't buy it. The next time I was there the display had changed and I couldn't find it again - a greyish book about dictators wasn't something the staff could help me find. But Goodreads has connected me to it again and I gave in to the one-click and got it.



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Review: Be Still My Vampire Heart

Be Still My Vampire Heart by Kerrelyn Sparks

My rating: 3 of 5 stars



After reading Flannery O'Connor and being incredibly depressed by her short stories, this was the perfect fluff reading. Vampires and Scotsmen in kilts and a happy ending.



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Review: The Complete Stories

The Complete Stories by Flannery O'Connor

My rating: 3 of 5 stars



A Good Man Is Hard To Find and The Life You Save May Be Your Own were 5-star reads. In general, I liked all of the stories minus the ones that later went on to be part of Wise Blood, which I have to admit, I wasn't really all that fond of. I think had I read this collection more slowly, over large periods of time, I might have liked it more. It's a bit intense and depressing to read all at once, but so far that's just how I read on my Kindle. I found it interesting to compare The Geranium and Judgement Day, since they begin and end the collection and have the same plot outline - but the latter is far more grim. Overall, I feel like I learned quite a lot about a specific time period in the South that I know little about and enjoyed doing so, though at the end I felt a bit like I was just trying to plow through to the end.



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Review: Space Chronicles: Facing the Ultimate Frontier

Space Chronicles: Facing the Ultimate Frontier by Neil deGrasse Tyson

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



So, it's repetitive. Not an unexpected thing from a book of magazine articles and speeches. That fault it totally surpassed by the fact that I learned a lot, felt inspired, and now really, really want to reread the Mars Trilogy by Kim Stanley Robinson.

Oh, and am I the only person who didn't realize Tang was an astronaut's drink?



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Review: Horrid Henry And The Secret Club

Horrid Henry And The Secret Club by Francesca Simon

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



The one where Peter tries to be horrid was hilarious.



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Review: Days with Frog and Toad

Days with Frog and Toad by Arnold Lobel

My rating: 5 of 5 stars



Love Frog and Toad.



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Review: Still Life

Still Life by Louise Penny

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



I don't especially read a lot of mysteries. Sure, I devoured Agatha Christie when I was younger and I got really obsessed with Ian Rankin because he wrote about Edinburgh, but in general I'm not much of a mystery person.

I adored this. One thing I noted, which I thought might be unusual, is that so much of this book concentrated on grief and how people deal with it, rather than just on the crime/criminal. And I rather liked that Nicol didn't end up getting it by the end of the novel. And I found the town meeting where the police asked the locals to teach them about something they needed to know interesting - does that actually happen?

One thing that I did note was that I'd assumed that when the series continued, it would be about Gamache, not about Three Pines, right up until I read the sample chapter of the next book. And that makes me very happy because I fell in love with Three Pines and the people there.



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Review: Nate the Great and the Halloween Hunt

Nate the Great and the Halloween Hunt by Marjorie Weinman Sharmat

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



Found this in the library and read it to my students. I enjoyed it more than they did, but I think they're a bit youngish for it.



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Review: Nate the Great and the Tardy Tortoise

Nate the Great and the Tardy Tortoise by Marjorie Weinman Sharmat

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



I adore Nate the Great. And now I want pancakes.



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Review: Unicorn Being a Jerk

Unicorn Being a Jerk by C.W. Moss

My rating: 3 of 5 stars



Most of this amused me. I read it about where you'd expect me to have. So, someone else's bathroom.



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Review: The Yellow Birds: A Novel

The Yellow Birds: A Novel by Kevin Powers

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



4.5 stars, really, since I did stay up until 3:30 reading this last night.

It's so beautiful and poetic in the writing, which contrasts so much with how hard a subject it was to read. I loved the way the two time periods went back and forth and that the ending really did surprise me quite a bit. I think I liked this one a bit more than Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk, though they were close in terms of my love for them. Between these two and the non-fiction The Long Walk, I'm on a war streak.



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Review: Infidel

Infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



I am totally the right person to read Infidel, I suppose - an atheist with a real hard-on for travelling and life in other cultures.

When people talk about all the white male atheists being the only spokespeople, they need to direct people over here. Her path from Islam to non-belief is fascinating.

I found her take on Islam interesting, because it doesn't at all jibe with what I saw (at a distance, granted) in Malaysia and Indonesia at all. I wandered around in my low-cut tank tops and had not a single problem. So I don't think it's all of Islam, but since I'm pretty open to the idea that religion in general is bunk and leads to silliness, it works for me.

Plus, her life is just so interesting.



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Review: Life of Pi

Life of Pi by Yann Martel

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



The Life of Pi holds a special place in my heart because it was the first book we read when I started what we called Books & Brunch, but what was really either drunk or hungover people showing up late, talking graphically about the weekend shenanigans, a bit about the books, and turning green while eating their eggs. Our second book was After Dark by Murakami and one dude read a different book with the word Dark in the title and we didn't notice for about a half hour of discussion. I never did figure out what the island was supposed to represent.



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Review: The Great Influenza: The Story of the Deadliest Pandemic in History

The Great Influenza: The Story of the Deadliest Pandemic in History by John M. Barry

My rating: 5 of 5 stars



I LOVED the Great Influenza. Read it while doing a round the world trip (Seoul - Italy - Accra - Lome - Toronto - Vancouver - back to Seoul) because it amused me to see the looks on people's faces when I went through customs. Swine flu was big at the time.



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Review: Moo

Moo by Jane Smiley

My rating: 3 of 5 stars



I read this too long ago to make for a good review, but what I do recall is that immediately upon finishing I sent it to my friend, Jas. She and I used to talk about how in high school we pictured ourselves at university sitting around in coffee shops talking philosophy and such (perhaps even wearing black turtlenecks) and then we got to university and... Well, it was underwhelming. Something about this book struck a chord with me at the time.



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Review: A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again

A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again by David Foster Wallace

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



DFW has an ability to make me interested in things I'm not interested in, though two essays on tennis was stretching that a wee bit. He made me laugh. Out loud.

More later when I have internet and my kindle at the same time.



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Review: A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again

A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again by David Foster Wallace

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



DFW has an ability to make me interested in things I'm not interested in, though two essays on tennis was stretching that a wee bit. He made me laugh. Out loud.

More later when I have internet and my kindle at the same time.



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Review: The Blind Assassin

The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood

My rating: 5 of 5 stars



I highlighted a lot of stuff I wanted to comment on in my Kindle. It's at home, but since we moved I don't have internet there. Hopefully I'll remember to come back and add more to this.

In the meantime, I loved this book. I loved that it had me thinking several things about who wrote the alternate stories or even who was with whom at various points in the story. I liked the fantasy bit well enough, but I loved the stories of Laura and Iris. I wish I'd read this sooner - I've had it since I lived in Scotland, which I know because I had it signed at a reading in Edinburgh when Oryx and Crake came out.



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Read in bold.

11, 2003, The Known World by Edward P. Jones - C, I, N, P
9, 2001, The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen - C, I, N, P
8, 2010, A Visit from the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan - C, I, P
8, 2009, Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel - B, C, W
8, 2007, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Díaz - C, I, P
8, 1997, Underworld by Don DeLillo - C, I, N, P
7, 2005, The March by E.L. Doctorow - C, N, P
7, 2004, Line of Beauty by Alan Hollinghurst - B, C, W
7, 2002, Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides - I, N, P
7, 2001, Atonement by Ian McEwan - B, C, W
7, 1998, The Hours by Michael Cunningham - C, I, P
7, 1997, Last Orders by Graham Swift - B, I, W
7, 1997, Quarantine by Jim Crace - B, I, W
6, 2012, Bring Up the Bodies by Hilary Mantel - B, W
6, 2009, Let the Great World Spin by Colum McCann - N, I
6, 2009, Home by Marilynn Robinson - C, N, I
6, 2005, The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai - B, C
6, 2004, Gilead by Marilynn Robinson - C, P
5, 2012, Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk by Ben Fountain - C, N
5, 2012, The Orphan Master’s Son by Adam Johnson - C, P
5, 2011, Binocular Vision by Edith Pearlman - C, N
5, 2011, The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes – B, W< 5, 2009, Brooklyn by Colm Tóibín - W, I 5, 2008, The Secret Scripture by Sebastian Barry - B, W 5, 2008, Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout - C, P 5, 2007, Tree of Smoke by Denis Johnson - N, P 5, 2006, The Road by Cormac McCarthy - C, P
5, 2006, The Echo Maker by Richard Powers - N, P
5, 2005, Europe Central by William T. Vollmann - C, N
5, 2005, The Accidental by Ali Smith - B, W
5, 2004, The Master by Colm Tóibín - B, I
5, 2003, The Great Fire by Shirley Hazzard – I, N
5, 2001, True History of the Kelly Gang by Peter Carey – B, I
5, 2000, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon – C, P
5, 2000, The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood – B, I
5, 1999, Waiting by Ha Jin – N, P
5, 1999, Disgrace by J.M. Coetzee – B, C
5, 1999, Being Dead by Jim Crace – C, W
5, 1998, Charming Billy by Alice McDermott – I, N
5, 1997, American Pastoral by Philip Roth – C, P
5, 1996, Every Man for Himself by Beryl Bainbridge – B, W
5, 1996, Martin Dressler: The Tale of an American Dreamer by Steven Millhauser – N, P
5, 1995, The Moor’s Last Sigh by Salman Rushdie – B, W
5, 1995, The Ghost Road by Pat Barker – B, W
5, 1995, Independence Day by Richard Ford – C, P
5, 1995, Sabbath’s Theater by Philip Roth – N, P


The Prizewinners

Here is our methodology: I wanted to include both American books and British books, as well as the English-language books from other countries that are eligible to win some of these awards. I started with the National Book Award and the Pulitzer from the American side and the Booker and Costa (formerly the Whitbread) from the British side. Because I wanted the British books to “compete” with the American books, I also looked at a couple of awards that recognize books from both sides of the ocean, the National Book Critics Circle Awards and the International IMPAC Dublin Literary Award. The IMPAC is probably the weakest of all these, but since it is both more international and more populist than the other awards, I thought it added something. A glaring omission is the PEN/Faulkner, but it would have skewed everything too much in favor of the American books, so I left it out.
I looked at these six awards from 1995 to the present, awarding three points for winning an award and two points for an appearance on a shortlist or as a finalist. Here’s the key that goes with the list: B=Booker Prize, C=National Book Critics Circle Award, I=International IMPAC Dublin Literary Award, N=National Book Award, P=Pulitzer Prize, W=Costa Book Award (formerly the Whitbread) bold=winner, red=New to the list or moved up* the list since last year’s “Prizewinners” post
*Note that the IMPAC considers books a year after the other awards do, and so this year’s IMPAC shortlist nods were added to point totals from last year.

Review: The Long Walk: A Story of War and the Life That Follows

The Long Walk: A Story of War and the Life That Follows by Brian Castner

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



There were a few parts of this book that really hit home for me, even though I will never go to war and I most certainly won't disable bombs. The running to pound down your other feelings - yeah, I get that. The brain exhaustion that comes from it having to work harder for the same simple tasks, yeah, I get that.

On top of that, I found this book fascinating because it presents us with a situation where someone got what they really, really wanted and then found that that thing had fucked them up. And that's not something people in general seem good at talking about, so it was refreshing to read a book that covered the topic. And it turns out, I find bomb stuff interesting - which was a surprise.

I seem to have headed myself into a bit of a mini-theme, what with Billy Lynn's Long Halftime walk right before and at least another book about the Iraq War coming up in the very near future. Bit bleak, bit rough, but also something I feel I really should know more about.



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Review: What We Talk About When We Talk About Anne Frank

What We Talk About When We Talk About Anne Frank by Nathan Englander

My rating: 0 of 5 stars



What We Talk About When We Talk About Anne Frank (2012) (winner of the 2012 Frank O'Connor International Short Story Award)

- What We Talk About When We Talk About Anne Frank
- Sister Hills
- How We Avenged the Blums
- Peep Show
- Everything I Know About My Family On My Mother's Side
- Camp Sundown
- The Reader
- Free Fruit For Young Widows

I'm reading What We ... Anne Frank and that first story is absolutely amazing. And, I've played that game, most notably when in Amsterdam at the Anne Frank House (the only day I wasn't high in Amsterdam, in fact.). But even before that, because around about fourteen or so I read a book [b:Alicia|401838|Alicia|Alicia Appleman-Jurman|http://d202m5krfqbpi5.cloudfront.net/books/1347686865s/401838.jpg|391242] from the library that kicked off a serious round of reading about the Holocaust such that a course on the subject became one of my few electives at university.

I found it both dark and funny and I felt like I learned about the process of decision making undertaken by religious Jews. I'm an atheist who grew up with few religious friends and what I learned from them (rightly or wrongly) was more about judgement and moralizing, rather than the actual process of weighing religious law against a situation. That fascinated me.

The second story didn't smack me up the side of the head in the same way, but Sister Hills I found interesting in the way it crammed so much history about the settling of contested areas in such a short story. And again with the glimpse into religious decision making. The next three I found sort of meh, and then the last three picked up again. I found Camp Sundown really interesting, The Reader a bit disturbing but quite an idea, and then the last one I liked a great deal.

That first story was 5-stars all the way though. The entire book is worth reading for that alone. (I mean, sure, you could just read that one story if you aren't me, but I can't do that. Must finish all pages in the order they are in - even if I'm reading Cosmo, so with a book I'm just compelled.)



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Review: A Complicated Kindness

A Complicated Kindness by Miriam Toews

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



Let's first just get out of the way how geeked out I was to see a reference to Reach for the Top, having myself been geeky enough in high school to have been at the provincial finals one year.

I really, really liked this book. It seemed to have the perfect balance between things I could relate to and things that the author was teaching me about a group of people that I have never known much about (in particular, I thought the Mennonites were much more like the Amish and I assumed that at the very least there'd be no TV.) The narrator's voice felt authentic, as did the situation of her friend Lids, who saddened me a great deal.

"That I belong within the frightful fresco of this man’s dream unnerves me."

"The mark of the beast? Streets paved in gold? Seven white horses? What? Fuck off. I dream of escaping into the real world."

"I wanted to experience goodness and humanity outside of any religious framework."

Okay, so it was a bit odd to find a lot of my very atheist teenage thoughts mirrored here in the voice of a teenage Mennonite, who spent a lot of the book worried her sister was going to go to hell. Granted, I related a lot to Nomi and the restlessness that comes from growing up in a small town, feeling cut off from the big city.

"It was the same feeling you get when you’ve spent a lot of time with a friend or relatives or someone and you’re kind of sick of them and want to be alone again but then the time comes for them to leave and suddenly more than anything you don’t want them to go and you act really nice again and run around doing things for them but you know that time is running out and then when they’re gone you’re kind of relieved but also sad that you hadn’t been a better friend and you tell yourself next time for sure I’ll be a better friend. And you kind of want to call them up and apologize for being a jerk but at the same time you don’t want to start something stupid and you hope the feeling will just go away and that nobody hates you."

So perfectly what it is like to be at home visiting the family for more then ten days at a time.

"I also liked it because every time I looked at it I was reminded that I was, at that very moment, not bleeding from my face. And those are powerful words of hope, really."

One of my best friends always tells me that you don't need to worry until you're bleeding from the eyes. And I have also always found that cheering and hopeful.



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Review: Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk

Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk by Ben Fountain

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



I gThis book was really, really good. There were bits about American football and I actually found them interesting. An author who can interest me in American football is a damn fine author.

Billy was an amazing character to see a book through. I kept thinking about all the really young military guys I've met here in Korea and seeing parts of them in the book.

This was funny. It was sad. It was hard to read and yet something I didn't want to stop reading, even if I had to get off the bus and go to work. It tied together American culture and the fakeness and realness in such an insightful way.

I am a bit embarrassed to admit that it took me quite a few times to figure out nina levin. I thought it was a person. Oops. Thing is, as a non-American who lives in a non-English speaking country, I could easily have missed a key news story about Nina and so I assumed just that. I didn't love the sections with the large amounts of blank space and just a few words, as pronounced, because after a few it felt a bit gimmicky, but really, that's my only criticism.

Basically, a wonderful book and one I'm glad I finally clicked on in my Kindle.



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Review: Pinball, 1973

Pinball, 1973 by Haruki Murakami

My rating: 2 of 5 stars



I liked Hear the Wind Sing so much perhaps I went in with expectations that were just too high. You can see the beginnings of Murakami's style in this one as well, but somehow it just didn't catch me in the same way. Though I did find the twins hilarious - that ability to present a completely absurd situation and have the narrator and the reader just accept it, that's one of the things I like best about Murakami.



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Review: The Walking Dead, Vol. 4: The Heart's Desire

The Walking Dead, Vol. 4: The Heart's Desire by Robert Kirkman

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



I'm reading these on my iPod and it's been fun seeing how the story differs from the show.

In particular, I far prefer the character Michonne in the TV series. In the book she rather annoys me. Though I was happy to see the references to how happy people were to find the prison library. Oh, and the Carol 3-way marriage plotline is interesting.



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Review: The Hangman's Replacement: Sprout of Disruption

The Hangman's Replacement: Sprout of Disruption by Taona Dumisani Chiveneko

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



We'll start this off by saying that the author gave me a free copy of this book for a review. That my ratings are unaffected by this is shown by the fact that the only other free book I've been given to review I gave 2 stars to. The Hangman's Replacement deserves every last one of those stars, as far as I'm concerned. The plot is fun and funny and fascinating in the manner in which a group of seemingly unconnected people turn out to be stuck in the very same web of intrigue. The book started off strong, with some of the funniest, driest humour I've read in some time and as each layer of complication was added, I got more excited. I can't wait to read the next book.

Plants that seek out dead bodies, a hangman with a determination gene, angry spirits, a "perfect" gallows - it's a bizarre set of things that turn up in this novel, but they all come together well.



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Review: Turtle Moon

Turtle Moon by Alice Hoffman

My rating: 3 of 5 stars



I read this on a night train in Europe, the summer I backpacked around and caught the travelling bug. I recall thinking it was okay, but nothing worth lugging about as a keeper, except that I started the habit of writing the date and location I've read books on the first page inside the book that summer and I wanted to have the one that referenced a night train between two separate countries.



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Review: Crow Lake

Crow Lake by Mary Lawson

My rating: 3 of 5 stars



It was a long time ago and all I really recall was that my store bought copy was missing pages and I had to read that section in Waterstone's.



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Review: The History of the Forgotten War: Korean War, 1950-1953 and Afterwards

The History of the Forgotten War: Korean War, 1950-1953 and Afterwards by Soon Wuk Kim

My rating: 3 of 5 stars



My students and I went on a field trip to the War Museum of Korea on Friday and a man in the museum handed me this. Though it's poorly translated, it was a decent basic intro to the war.



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Review: Damned Nations: Greed, Guns, Armies, and Aid

Damned Nations: Greed, Guns, Armies, and Aid by Samantha Nutt

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



Moving, if not really telling me anything I don't know. The Canadian connection was interesting. It made me want to go out and do something useful, or at the very least move to Africa.



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Review: India Dishonoured: Behind a nation's war on women

India Dishonoured: Behind a nation's war on women by Sunny Hundal

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



While I'm not sure I learned very much that was completely new, this was a good summary of the situation in India and a reminder of things I'd read previously in newspapers, magazines and online.



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Review: Always Right

Always Right by Niall Ferguson

My rating: 2 of 5 stars



So, the other day while I was bored at work I one-clicked away on a bunch of Kindle Singles and this was one of them. I didn't put much thought into any of these purchases, and so I was a bit startled when I realized that this was a book praising Thatcher - I guess I thought the title was a joke.

Anyway, it does the mind good to read something you don't agree with every once in a while, though I will admit to being glad that this is something I almost totally polished off on my short commute to and from work yesterday. It only gets 2 stars because it really didn't provide much background about her at all - what are wet and dry Tories, for example?

I must admit, my mind was chanting "Thatcher, Thatcher milk snatcher" asI read.



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Review: The Heart Goes Last

The Heart Goes Last by Margaret Atwood

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



This series makes me feel all Dickens-era old-fashioned, having to read installment by installment. I liked this section a lot - the prostibots are interesting and it's set up the next section nicely.



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Review: The Undead in My Bed

The Undead in My Bed by Katie MacAlister

My rating: 3 of 5 stars



I enjoyed the first two stories - vamp porn is best when it's funny. The last one was pretty meh, but it was also the shortest, so that's fine.



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