8. of or pertaining to the basic constitution or structure of a thing; constitutional; structural.That is how I feel about my bouts of sadness. They are, unfortunately, part of my structure. The only bonus to this knowledge is that last time round I finally forced myself to examine drug options and they work. I don't like the idea of them as anything beyond a solution in a pinch, because they dull everything when they dull the sad parts. However, it's a reassuring thought.
In the meantime, it remains to do my best to pull myself out of this. It sucks to have some defective brain chemistry, but that is what it is. At least I'm presently living a life that I am generally happy and content with, which is a distinctly better place that I was in last time, when I basically hated everything about myself and my life - some of that was the depression talking, but some of it really was a series of choices that took me too far away from myself and who I wanted to be.
I'm setting my alarm for tomorrow now. I have plans that I really want myself to actually follow through on. I hope I go. However, now that I am home and in bed, with no mandatory tasks to be done tomorrow, I want to hide under my blankets and sleep. Except that I can't sleep, and that's one of my main problems right now - which is odd, as usually the sadder I am, the more I can sleep like it's an Olympic event I'm competing in and I'm going for the gold.
I should go, but on top of the incredible inertia that hits every time I walk through the door of my house, I feel incredibly unsocial. I can't imagine I'll be any fun. I know though that once I am there, it'll mostly be ok. I forced myself out on Wednesday and only felt like crying a couple of times - lately for me that is a good run of something approaching normal. I need to get some sleep, read the book club novel so as not to have a convenient excuse not to do that on Sunday, and then go out tomorrow.
I wonder how many times I have to tell myself to do it, before it feels like something I am actually going to do?