Friday, January 09, 2009

Organic

8. of or pertaining to the basic constitution or structure of a thing; constitutional; structural.
That is how I feel about my bouts of sadness. They are, unfortunately, part of my structure. The only bonus to this knowledge is that last time round I finally forced myself to examine drug options and they work. I don't like the idea of them as anything beyond a solution in a pinch, because they dull everything when they dull the sad parts. However, it's a reassuring thought.

In the meantime, it remains to do my best to pull myself out of this. It sucks to have some defective brain chemistry, but that is what it is. At least I'm presently living a life that I am generally happy and content with, which is a distinctly better place that I was in last time, when I basically hated everything about myself and my life - some of that was the depression talking, but some of it really was a series of choices that took me too far away from myself and who I wanted to be.

I'm setting my alarm for tomorrow now. I have plans that I really want myself to actually follow through on. I hope I go. However, now that I am home and in bed, with no mandatory tasks to be done tomorrow, I want to hide under my blankets and sleep. Except that I can't sleep, and that's one of my main problems right now - which is odd, as usually the sadder I am, the more I can sleep like it's an Olympic event I'm competing in and I'm going for the gold.

I should go, but on top of the incredible inertia that hits every time I walk through the door of my house, I feel incredibly unsocial. I can't imagine I'll be any fun. I know though that once I am there, it'll mostly be ok. I forced myself out on Wednesday and only felt like crying a couple of times - lately for me that is a good run of something approaching normal. I need to get some sleep, read the book club novel so as not to have a convenient excuse not to do that on Sunday, and then go out tomorrow.

I wonder how many times I have to tell myself to do it, before it feels like something I am actually going to do?

9 comments:

Simplicity said...

I can honestly tell you that I understood and have felt every single thing you wrote in this post. I could have written it for goodness sakes! Wow! Logic loses almost every time for me. Feel free to email any time at dancemusicartchick@gmail.com. If you're like me, sometimes, you just need to fire it off into the universe when it's too overwhelming to talk to somebody. Everybody needs a place to dump their 'crazies' :)!

J.G. said...

Good thoughts coming your way . . . . I can relate! During the down phases, dragging myself around by my own bootstraps is so tedious. Eventually the momentum returns, who knows why. I hope your plans for this weekend give you some joy.

Strange Pilgram said...

Ups and downs. Things go hand in hand. Take care of yourself and just decide if you really want to go or not. Maybe you don't and that's ok... sometimes we need some time alone.

gautami tripathy said...

It too will pass. Belive me..

Setting about a routine

Kristie said...

(((Amanda))) I'm dealing with stuff right now too and can relate. I think everyone's brain chemistry gets out of whack at some point. Sometimes it's temporary or environmental, sometimes it's genetic. I'm trying hard to fight through the stigma I've placed on it with myself--but no one else.

Do what feels comfortable for now and don't worry about anything else.

floreta said...

i really like your blog. the traveling really speaks to me. i'm a wandering soul, and transient in state-of-mind. you seem at least level-headed in your writing about sadness. sometimes, it takes a lot for me to force myself out the door too..

Tumblewords: said...

Excellent post! Amazing how so many of us have little kinks that slow our progress and sadden our minds but we manage to keep going through the downs and come to value the ups. I enjoy your blog immensely.

SweetTalkingGuy said...

Sometimes it's just the time of year, I hate it when the sun don't shine!

Jennifer Hicks said...

wow, what a thought provoking take on the prompt. i'm still working on understanding that my bipolar disorder is not something that will go away and that it is now part of my life. sometimes i feel like it is my enemy and others my friend and teacher.
i appreciate your journey.....keep doing what you need to do to move forward and be assured that you have the power to do that!